Respecting our Parents despite their Disrespect

On this Father’s Day, I would like to blog about something very close to my heart.  My intention is to avoid being too personal in my blogs, but this is an issue that is best discussed on a personal level.

My partner told her father about our relationship last night.  She told him that we deeply care for each other, that I am a kind person who comes from a nice family, and that I make her very happy.   I thought these were the things that parents wanted for their children.  His response was that, as long as she chooses to live “like this,” she will never be happy and will never find a lifelong partner.  This, of course, devastated her, was incredibly hurtful, and caused her to start worrying that he may actually be right.

We are taught to honor and respect our parents, but at what point does this value become obsolete?  Surely we are not meant to continue honoring and respecting our parents in the face of constant discouragement and lack of acceptance.  Surely we are not meant to keep going back to the whipping post and continue in a relationship that is so unhealthy and masochistic.  Yet because of the ties we have with our parents, and because of the honor and respect we are taught to uphold, we do keep going back.  Despite the tears and the emotional pain, we hold out hope that one day they will understand and accept us.

Just recently I wrote about the importance of dialogue, but what happens when dialogue does not absolve the ignorance of some?  Where do we get the strength to continue dialogues with the non-affirming people in our lives?  How much dialogue is necessary before their love becomes based on an acceptance of who we are instead of whether we live a life of which they approve?

I suppose my hope stays alive because I truly believe that, for sexual and gender minorities, things are getting better and will continue getting better.  Maybe not in the ways we desire the most.  Maybe not with all of the people in our lives – our parents, family, friends, co-workers, colleagues – but there are other networks of support out there and when the family we were born into fails us, we can lean on the affirming family we create for ourselves.